On good days and on good weeks and on overall good months I feel extremely lucky that I’m single.
I’ve had the opportunity to discover–nay–uncover all my idiosyncratic behaviour. I have gone through the classic 20 something identity and existential crises and I’ve done it alone. Deep down, I know that a relationship would never have survived the roller-coaster of the year I have had. I’ve come out of it with a stronger understanding of myself. I doubt that I could have achieved that kind of growth with a significant other by my side.
As a perpetually single woman navigating through her psyche at every opportunity she can, I have also become incredibly aware of the mistakes I made in past relationships. As the perpetually single girl in my circle of girlfriends I have also had the chance to observe other people’s mistakes. I have seen the way good relationships function and I’ve seen the way unhealthy relationship function. I have also seen the type of communication strategies that ultimately sabotage all relationships.
The luxury of not being emotionally entangled and emotionally dependant on another person provides you with some incredible insight. Insight that I am certain I will forget the minute I find myself in love. To counter this effect, I have decided to put these thoughts down. Right here. In the hope that one day I can look back and have clear and level-headed advice from myself.
Without further ado, the first in my series: Notes from a Singleton.
Dear Attached Hope,
Dude, do not attempt to express an important message to your significant other passive aggressively.
And if you do do it, don’t be surprised when your message becomes obscured like a ‘Chinese whisper’ and at the end of it all, you AND him have absolutely no idea what you were trying to say to begin with.
My advice?
Try to consistently be authentic.
If you feel angry, express anger. Proportionately. There’s no need to break his record collection because he forgot your tampons on his supermarket run. A simple “I am angry because I feel that you didn’t consider my needs. Give me a minute to calm down” will work. If you want X, tell him that you want X. Do not tell him that you want Y and expect him to understand that you actually want X. I mean, I’m already confused. If you don’t like his behaviour do not accept it by hiding behind mean glances and out of the blue nonsecial retorts. A calm, rational explanation helps. “Please do not use homophobic slurs around me. When you do it it makes me feel like you don’t respect the attitudes I have.”
And if he insists on being the passive aggressive one? If he has absolutely no self-awareness of himself, his behaviour and his actions?
Get out.
He’s not the one for you.
Your alter ego,
Single Hope
