Best daddy issue ever

My therapist believes that I am on the brink of a breakthrough.

This is all at once an exciting and terrifying change of pace; ever since she’s known me I seem to have been going from breakdown to breakdown.Actually, ever since you’ve all known me I seem be going from breakdown to breakdown.  Right?

These mini-breakdowns have all been preceded by some form of rejection or abandonment by a man.  I have always known–intellectually, at least–that I have daddy issues. Father died abruptly at a critical juncture in my development. Of course, I have daddy issues. I have watched enough movies, read enough books and related to Meredith Grey far too well to not know this. I did not need a therapist to point it out to me. But it seems that I did need a therapist to dig a little deeper and allow me to understand this on an emotional level.

I did need a therapist to show me that my daddy issues are not there simply because he died. “Isn’t it strange” she asked me, “That in 16 months of therapy all I know about your father is that he died? You spent 11 years with him, Hope. How was your relationship with him when he was alive?”

I was floored. Yes. At some point in my life, I did have a father.  Spontaneous, soft tears burst forth and I used a phrase I have never used in therapy before.

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

Resistance. This is the stuff that therapists’ wet dreams are made of.

But in her wily shrink ways she had been preparing me for this moment for 16 months. All those sessions led to this one session. For 16 months I danced around the topic. She let me. Today, she probed further. And I finally broke down and allowed her to do her job.

Today I know something that I didn’t know yesterday.

Every time a man leaves me, or rejects me or doesn’t want me I allow myself to finally grieve for the father I never mourned. Not because I didn’t want to or because I didn’t feel to, but because I just didn’t know how to.

Yes. I am definitely on the brink of something here and I really, really hope it’s a breakthrough.

Notes from a singleton #2

[I started this series three days before I met him. And as we are currently 'dating' I still consider myself semi-single. I don't want to date anyone else, I don't want to meet anyone else but I'm also nowhere near Girlfriend or Attached Status. So, onwards. Notes from a singleton #1 here]

***

Dear Attached Hope,

STOP TALKING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP.

Stop it.

Relationships don’t talk into being.

They are into being.

STOP TRYING TO FORCE INTIMACY.

Stop it.

True intimacy can’t be coerced, sideways, by thinly veiled ‘innocent’ questions.

It grows through shared experiences together. In a staight line. Directly. Naturally.

And if you really need to consistently talk about your relationship? Go see your therapist. Its probably got more to do with you than with him.

From your alter ego,

Semi-single Hope

Stating the obvious

If you do nothing, nothing will happen.

If you do nothing,  nothing will change.

If you do nothing, you will have nothing to say.

(But, you will cry a lot in therapy)

Easy/Hard

Easy: Finding evidence that always confirms that there is something wrong with me

Hard: Taking that evidence and interpreting it differently to conclude that I am just normal

 

Easy: To think  ”I don’t blog for the comments, I blog for myself”

Hard: Accepting that comments aren’t the alpha and omega of my existence

 

Easy: Letting my life pass me by 

Hard: Grabbing it by the (as my mother says) balls and living it

 

Easy:   Writing

Hard: Writing well

 

Easy:  Talking to my friends

Hard: Talking to my friends about feeling left behind as they get engaged, live with their boyfriends and make plans for their combined futures

 

Easy: First dates

Hard: Finding someone who I would actually want to have a first date with

 

Easy: Coming up with the idea for this post

Hard: Coming up with the actual content for this post

 

Easy: To say “I forgive you”

Hard: To mean it

 

Easy: To have good intentions

Hard: To put them in practice

 

Easy: To love

Hard: To be loved in return

 

What are you finding easy/hard?

35 Things in 2008

A new year cannot really feel like a new year until the previous year has been dissected, right? So in a nutshell, this was my year. 

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

A guy on the second date. 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I do not recall making any resolutions last year. This year I’ve decided to make a list of small goals I want to achieve each month. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope. But, my sister is pregnant again! 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No but people I am close to lost people they were close to. 

5. What countries did you visit?

Zero. This makes me sad.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A social life.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 20st. You can read all about it here.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Quiting my job and cigarettes.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Starting the cigarettes again. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I refer you to this post and this post. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The Complete West Wing Box Set.  

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My nephew’s. Each time he entered a room he was applauded. Each time he made a new sentence-ish six ‘bravo’s’ exploded around him. Just yesterday he used the superlative ‘bigger’ and this merited a scream, a hug and an Eskimo kiss from me. 

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

All the citizens of Greece that threw rocks at buildings and burned public and private property.  

14. Where did most of your money go?

To doctors. For both physical and mental ailments. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Most of the things I got really, really, really excited about this year were potentials, hypotheticals if you will. Take for example: Barack Obama and the entire US election. I was far more excited about what could happen if he was elected than the moment it became official. Or like how the ‘relationship’ I had with The Man in my head was ten times better than the actual experience. Or how Real made my heart a-flutter when he wasn’t there.  

Perhaps, my expectations are too high? 

16. What song will always remind of you 2008?

My Mistakes Were Made For You| The Last Shadow Puppets

17. Compared to this time last year, are:

a)happier or sadder?

b)thinner or fatter?

c) richer or poorer?

Sadder, thinner and poorer. 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

More acting. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Less thinking.

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?

No, no I didn’t. [So we're now entering Year Six of Hope's Hopeless Love Life for anyone left counting.] 

21. What was your favourite TV program?

New Show: Life on Mars

Old Show: Grey’s Anatomy. 

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is such a strong word. But the writer’s of Grey’s Anatomy really pissed me off this year regarding the whole Return of Denny Fiasco. 

23. What was the best book you read?

Don’t Move | Margaret Mazzantini

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The Kings of Leon

25. What did you want and get?

I wanted a pet and I got one in the form of crazylovely Diego. 

26. What did you want and not get?

*Cough*Boyfriend*Cough*

27. What was your favourite film of this year?

There was no film that really resonated with me this year. The Dark Knight left me wanting, Sex and the City made me want to gorge my ears out with all the adolescent shrieks and Burn After Reading was just OK. (Although, I desperately loved George Clooney in it.)

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I drank some beer, laughed, blew out candles and wore shoes that hurt. I turned 27. 

29. How you would describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

The older I get the closer I get to dressing the way I wanted to in high school. In fashion terms that would probably mean I’m only 20 kilos and 40 absurd outfits away from resembling Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. 

30. What kept you sane?

My mother, my sister, my brother-in-law and my brother. 

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jon Stewart. 

32. Who did you miss?

The Best Friend, my Sister From Another Mother and The Man. 

33. Who was the best new person you met?

Hit myself over the head, spit on my neck, step in a piece of poo because the truth is? Real. Fuckity fuck fuck. 

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. 

Make sure to remove all racy undergarments from car before having it washed. 

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. 

To the Universe: ”You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl.” U2 | One