Lesson

On the Thursday, I walked into The Bar and was faced with two particularly awful sights. One, I came face to face with the object of my unrequited affection out on a date with another woman. Two, I came face to face with the newer man; who after I had decided to take a risk and text him, had remained inexplicably and predictably silent.

On the Saturday, I walked into a church and watched a couple I barely know tie the knot in forever-ness.

On the Monday, I walked into therapy and proceeded to spew such hatred for the human race–particularly for the male subset of our species–that my therapist was speechless.

On the Tuesday, I walked into an emergency room and allowed doctors to admit me overnight for a Crohn’s related infection.

On the Thursday, I walked into The Store to unload brand new items for the Christmas season.

Today, I walked into a church and watched as my nephew was baptized.

***

In the last ten days, I feel I experienced the full breadth of a life. And this is what I observed:

It is beautiful and it is horrible.

In its beauty we learn to pause. And in its horribleness we learn to move.

 

Best daddy issue ever

My therapist believes that I am on the brink of a breakthrough.

This is all at once an exciting and terrifying change of pace; ever since she’s known me I seem to have been going from breakdown to breakdown.Actually, ever since you’ve all known me I seem be going from breakdown to breakdown.  Right?

These mini-breakdowns have all been preceded by some form of rejection or abandonment by a man.  I have always known–intellectually, at least–that I have daddy issues. Father died abruptly at a critical juncture in my development. Of course, I have daddy issues. I have watched enough movies, read enough books and related to Meredith Grey far too well to not know this. I did not need a therapist to point it out to me. But it seems that I did need a therapist to dig a little deeper and allow me to understand this on an emotional level.

I did need a therapist to show me that my daddy issues are not there simply because he died. “Isn’t it strange” she asked me, “That in 16 months of therapy all I know about your father is that he died? You spent 11 years with him, Hope. How was your relationship with him when he was alive?”

I was floored. Yes. At some point in my life, I did have a father.  Spontaneous, soft tears burst forth and I used a phrase I have never used in therapy before.

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

Resistance. This is the stuff that therapists’ wet dreams are made of.

But in her wily shrink ways she had been preparing me for this moment for 16 months. All those sessions led to this one session. For 16 months I danced around the topic. She let me. Today, she probed further. And I finally broke down and allowed her to do her job.

Today I know something that I didn’t know yesterday.

Every time a man leaves me, or rejects me or doesn’t want me I allow myself to finally grieve for the father I never mourned. Not because I didn’t want to or because I didn’t feel to, but because I just didn’t know how to.

Yes. I am definitely on the brink of something here and I really, really hope it’s a breakthrough.

Notes from a singleton #2

[I started this series three days before I met him. And as we are currently 'dating' I still consider myself semi-single. I don't want to date anyone else, I don't want to meet anyone else but I'm also nowhere near Girlfriend or Attached Status. So, onwards. Notes from a singleton #1 here]

***

Dear Attached Hope,

STOP TALKING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP.

Stop it.

Relationships don’t talk into being.

They are into being.

STOP TRYING TO FORCE INTIMACY.

Stop it.

True intimacy can’t be coerced, sideways, by thinly veiled ‘innocent’ questions.

It grows through shared experiences together. In a staight line. Directly. Naturally.

And if you really need to consistently talk about your relationship? Go see your therapist. Its probably got more to do with you than with him.

From your alter ego,

Semi-single Hope

Stating the obvious

If you do nothing, nothing will happen.

If you do nothing,  nothing will change.

If you do nothing, you will have nothing to say.

(But, you will cry a lot in therapy)

Easy/Hard

Easy: Finding evidence that always confirms that there is something wrong with me

Hard: Taking that evidence and interpreting it differently to conclude that I am just normal

 

Easy: To think  ”I don’t blog for the comments, I blog for myself”

Hard: Accepting that comments aren’t the alpha and omega of my existence

 

Easy: Letting my life pass me by 

Hard: Grabbing it by the (as my mother says) balls and living it

 

Easy:   Writing

Hard: Writing well

 

Easy:  Talking to my friends

Hard: Talking to my friends about feeling left behind as they get engaged, live with their boyfriends and make plans for their combined futures

 

Easy: First dates

Hard: Finding someone who I would actually want to have a first date with

 

Easy: Coming up with the idea for this post

Hard: Coming up with the actual content for this post

 

Easy: To say “I forgive you”

Hard: To mean it

 

Easy: To have good intentions

Hard: To put them in practice

 

Easy: To love

Hard: To be loved in return

 

What are you finding easy/hard?