Lesson

On the Thursday, I walked into The Bar and was faced with two particularly awful sights. One, I came face to face with the object of my unrequited affection out on a date with another woman. Two, I came face to face with the newer man; who after I had decided to take a risk and text him, had remained inexplicably and predictably silent.

On the Saturday, I walked into a church and watched a couple I barely know tie the knot in forever-ness.

On the Monday, I walked into therapy and proceeded to spew such hatred for the human race–particularly for the male subset of our species–that my therapist was speechless.

On the Tuesday, I walked into an emergency room and allowed doctors to admit me overnight for a Crohn’s related infection.

On the Thursday, I walked into The Store to unload brand new items for the Christmas season.

Today, I walked into a church and watched as my nephew was baptized.

***

In the last ten days, I feel I experienced the full breadth of a life. And this is what I observed:

It is beautiful and it is horrible.

In its beauty we learn to pause. And in its horribleness we learn to move.

 

Blink

All this time, I’ve thought I’ve been unlucky in love.

But the other night, as A and I got to chatting about boys I began to doubt this. Over rum (hers) and tea (mine) it was one particular conversation that got me thinking.

A: I’ve been single for a year and a half.

Me: Dude, I’ve been single for coming onto six years now.

A: No, but you dated Him.

Me: Yea, but he wasn’t my boyfriend.

A: But you dated him. I haven’t even met someone I’d be interested in dating in a year and a half.

And somehow in that one sentence she nailed the perpetual single girl’s main obstacle. (Of which I declare myself Supreme Leader; don’t take it away from me. It’s the only thing I’ve got.)

It’s not that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. It’s not that we have more issues than women who date more often or who have had more relationships than us.

Rather, the perpetual single girl’s problem is that we don’t date just to date. Let me explain. Unlike the average dater, we don’t go on dates to find a person we would like to date. No sirree. We first want to find the big love and only then do we want to date him.

For me to even consider going on a date, I need to feel that intense spark; an immediate body/soul/mind connection; the holy trinity of attraction. This chemistry of which I speak is not based on level of cuteness or similar interests or common values. The only way I can describe it is like this: Within a blink; I just know. This guy is special.

The Blink doesn’t happen very often. In my life–in all my life–the number of times that I have felt that level of intensity can be counted on the fingers of one hand. Four to be exact. The fact that I’ve only had two long-term relationships is actually promising. Fifty percent of the time The Blink is spot on.

All the other men; the crushes, the distractions, the mistakes? I didn’t feel The Blink. But I did feel The Boredom, The Loneliness and The Pressure. I felt all those things directly after the latest rejection.

And I very nearly decided to go against my basic nature and throw myself into dating–anyone; whoever asked; whoever showed a little bit of interest. For a couple of weeks there, I flirted with boys I knew I would never want; not even in a million blinks.

Over rum and tea with A, it occurred to me that I am not at all unlucky when it comes to love. Because the kind of love; the kind of relationship; the kind of date that I’m looking for is just not common.

I’m looking for the big type of love; the big relationship; the big date. The type of love that you blink and it just is. I’m looking for immediacy; for no choice but to love; for its hard but I can’t not love. I don’t want to but I have to love.

I’m not sure I’m even looking for it anymore. I don’t think that this big love I want is something you search for; in a bar with your patented single girl’s scan. Rather, it almost always just appears. A big date that turns into a big relationship that turns into a big love all at the same time.

The only thing I have to do (and you and you) is have my eye’s open; ready to blink.

Reachable

A couple of months ago, I was hopping across the internet when I landed on a website. This website, which I can no longer find, had the body measurements of most celebrities. According to this ever trusting source, Jennifer Aniston and I share the exact same weight, height and breast size.

Only difference is that my body looks nothing like hers.

For one, I look terrible in shorts. For two, my legs are nowhere killer status. I have great hair though.

But, as always, this got me thinking of potential. I could–if I tried–have one of the most sought after bodies on the planet. I imagine that Jennifer has been on a regimented diet and workout schedule for over a decade. I hear the words regimented, diet and workout schedule and I begin to wheeze and pant as if I have already run a marathon. The point is that if I wanted to, I could have her body. This is not some absurd, lofty dream. Its an actual possibility. Same height, weight and breast size? Check. Same curves? Check.  Similar Greek genes? Check.

It could happen.

Going after an A-list body is not my goal though.  But, the idea that with consistently hard work what appears to be unreachable can be achieved is hard to un-realize. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a published story teller.  And for as long as I can remember that seemed impossible; an absurd naive dream of a girl. See,  life gets in the way. You learn that its not easy; that there are millions of writers. You don’t stand out. Then, life actually gets in the way.  Bills need to be paid. Success is measured by the amount of money you can flaunt; the amount of names you can drop; the number of zeros at the end of a paycheck. So, even though you’re a writer, you write other people’s ideas. The ones that pay.

It’s depressing.

So, when it occurred to me that–with some effort–I could actually have Jennifer Aniston’s body; then it occurred to me that I could–with some effort–actually be a published novelist.

And that?

That’s fucking exciting.

What do you think you could do or be if you put in the effort that is required?

Modal verbs

I can’t:

Decide in which direction to take this blog.  Find the right colour to paint my flat. Style my bangs. Wake up in the morning.

I can:

Make a four month old smile by simply entering the room.  Watch back to back episodes of The West Wing for the twentieth time and still feel like I’m watching for the very first time.  Believe in better days. Look like a million bucks even when–inside–I feel like a crumpled, dirty, counterfeit five euro note.

I won’t:

Let my past experiences act like predictors for the future. Lie; Fergie’s Big Girls Don’t Cry is one of my most listened to tracks on iTunes. Be broke and in debt forever. [Right?]

I will:

Eventually, get on an airplane. Buy new leggings. And new panties. [Faded and outstretched do not a femme fatale make]  Stop blaming myself for the flawed behaviour of others. Love myself.

I should:

Floss more often. Eat better.  Start Pilates again. Wear heels more often.  Probably, stop giving the evil eye to all couples I see on the street. [Bitterness is for spinsters. Not for 28-year-old, adorably neurotic women who, let's be realistic, have plenty of options left.]

I shouldn’t:

Put too much stock in Susan Miller’s prediction that October 16th marks the beginning of an exciting new era romantically.  Expect anything. Be afraid of letting the next one in.

*As seen on It’s like I’m…Magic almost four months ago.

Best daddy issue ever

My therapist believes that I am on the brink of a breakthrough.

This is all at once an exciting and terrifying change of pace; ever since she’s known me I seem to have been going from breakdown to breakdown.Actually, ever since you’ve all known me I seem be going from breakdown to breakdown.  Right?

These mini-breakdowns have all been preceded by some form of rejection or abandonment by a man.  I have always known–intellectually, at least–that I have daddy issues. Father died abruptly at a critical juncture in my development. Of course, I have daddy issues. I have watched enough movies, read enough books and related to Meredith Grey far too well to not know this. I did not need a therapist to point it out to me. But it seems that I did need a therapist to dig a little deeper and allow me to understand this on an emotional level.

I did need a therapist to show me that my daddy issues are not there simply because he died. “Isn’t it strange” she asked me, “That in 16 months of therapy all I know about your father is that he died? You spent 11 years with him, Hope. How was your relationship with him when he was alive?”

I was floored. Yes. At some point in my life, I did have a father.  Spontaneous, soft tears burst forth and I used a phrase I have never used in therapy before.

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

Resistance. This is the stuff that therapists’ wet dreams are made of.

But in her wily shrink ways she had been preparing me for this moment for 16 months. All those sessions led to this one session. For 16 months I danced around the topic. She let me. Today, she probed further. And I finally broke down and allowed her to do her job.

Today I know something that I didn’t know yesterday.

Every time a man leaves me, or rejects me or doesn’t want me I allow myself to finally grieve for the father I never mourned. Not because I didn’t want to or because I didn’t feel to, but because I just didn’t know how to.

Yes. I am definitely on the brink of something here and I really, really hope it’s a breakthrough.