Over drinks with the girls the other night we spent time mocking my ex-boyfriend until I had tears in my eyes and I was slamming the table with my hand from laughter.
This was instigated because of an email he sent me recently which was so bizarre [A disconnected paragraph at the end of the email went something like this: The wind. The walk from here to there. A lone dog. Barks. I am happy.] that I sat staring at my screen for quite some time wondering why on earth I was so completely enamored by this boy.
“Guys, please tell me he wasn’t like this when we were dating?”
“Oh yes he was!”
“He was?”
“Yes!”
“Why didn’t I see it?”
“Because you were in love.”
***
There are things about people that I don’t see. Or perhaps, I choose not to see them. Or even, I see them yet in those early days of all consuming passion and shimmery beginnings, I convince myself that I would like it (it being a habit, or a hobby, or an interest, or a type of temperament) if only I was more like that person myself.
I do not mean this in a Runaway Bride kind of way. I know the way I like my eggs.
But if the ex, for example, had enjoyed his eggs with dollops of ketchup (a dish I happen to find repulsive) I would not let it affect me. I would not even notice it. And if I did? I would convince myself that it is not really such a gross combination and maybe I have been wrong all these years. That maybe, I am the weirdo because I do not like ketchup on my eggs.
See what I did right there? Doesn’t my commitment to always demean my own likes and dislikes–my own self–impress you?
***
I first noticed the spelling mistakes while we were chatting on Facebook in real time.I winced. And then internally scolded myself while defending him.
“Hope, YOU are a spelling snob. He is obviously preoccupied and not paying attention.”
Now, they have become a consistent part of our exchanges via text, Facebook message or email.
Spelling mistakes. Grammar mistakes. I try to ignore them but they stand out glaringly, the way my white skin would look on a beach full of tanned women who must have been sunbathing since April to have achieved their colour.
I shake my head for the these thoughts to slip out. When that does not work I try to convince myself that IT IS OK, I ALSO MAKE SPELLING MISTAKES. Then, a little voice sneaks up on me.
“Yes, you might have trouble spelling a complicated word but you know the difference between where and were. And can I remind you that you once declared that you would never date anyone who DID NOT?”
***
I search for the answer to this phenomenon. That in the hypothetical boyfriends I sometimes create while bored at work on rainy days, I list such specifics as if I believe that he could exist–this ideal I have created. When I finally meet a guy I actually like? He isn’t at all like the one I had designed for myself.
So when I go over all the failed romances of my life, I wonder if perhaps that is the problem.
What do you think? Does that elusive chemistry blind us to the extent that we spend time with a person that we aren’t really compatible with? Should we follow our hypothetical boyfriend lists more strictly?
Or it is possible that I am just nitpicking now? That my negative reaction to his lack of perfect spelling (despite my ever increasing like for him) is just me trying to find reasons NOT to like him? To protect myself?
And if that is true?
Is therapy finally paying off?
15 responses so far ↓
Lpeg // June 27, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I’m asking the same questions.
And I HATE it when people use ‘were’ for ‘where’! Or, worse, they ADD an extra letter into their txt messages!
(ex: city & cituy – like he thought the word was actually spelled like that, and proceeded to use it constantly – it wasn’t just a one-time-thing!)
e. // June 27, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I’m the same way. I think it’s a little bit protective mechanism but also just something that matters to you. If you really like him, give it a shot, but don’t pretend that his lack of spelling skills is fine with you if it isn’t.
La // June 27, 2008 at 7:22 pm
It may be a protective thing? But poor grammar and spelling is just a deal breaker for me. I just can’t take it. I have issues, though.
:)
cdp // June 27, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Okay I’m sorry, this was a lovely post, but I’m still stuck on the email part. Dude. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe.
Zeke // June 27, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I graduated with an English major. Grammar and simple spelling issues have certainly contributed to the ending or preventing of relationships before.
As for the second part, I haven’t followed that hypothetical list and I haven’t yet been fully happy. As tempting as it is to settle and take what’s “good enough” to be with someone, isn’t that just a collapse of your patience waiting for the person who searching for? Ultimately, I think, the question becomes, “When is it worth more to you to be with someone who’s close enough, than to continue waiting or searching for him/her as long as it takes?”
allthewine // June 27, 2008 at 9:33 pm
I don’t know if you’re being nitpicky because a grammar challenged text is enough to make me want to throw my phone out the window!
amber // June 28, 2008 at 4:57 am
I dated a man who was terrible, horrible, even AWFUL, at spelling anything. Or anything grammatical in nature. I winced every time I received an IM from him, and found myself struggling not to correct everything he said. I tried to be optimistic – oh, it’s OK, opposites compliment each other, and anyway I’m not the best at math, and maybe he IS so it’ll all work out, yes? Except later I realized that if something drives me that completely crazy, it just isn’t going to work.
My younger sister calls me the Grammar Nazi, a title well-earned.
Queen // June 28, 2008 at 8:32 am
i always said that i would end up with a man who definately has a greek something attached to his life. a man who definately were to speak english, if not with a perfect english accent at least with a foreign one.
i have ended up for the last year and 3 months with a man who understands yes, but does not speak english. the only words you will hear from his mouth in the english language are the lines i will constantly use, and which he has gotten from me.
‘ you are such a liar’ (in a joking childish way)
‘quickly quickly quickly’ ( while crossing the road)
‘you gotta be kidding’ (when something has shocked me)
and im perfectly fine with that. i can live with it for the rest of my life, cause its little things like this which dont make the difference at the end of the day!!
as far as the where and were difference, to be honest, it kills me to see it. :)
pin // June 28, 2008 at 4:30 pm
hahahhahhaha!!!
i love you queen and i love you hope too!!
you are freaks!!!!!xoxooxox
as for me, my man is perfect so no need for this comment really!!
oh no let me think!!!
i looooove to enter the house after work and listen to nothing but my own breathing….he loves his music loud (like really loud!!!)
i hate a man with a temper…my man is a temper himself…
i love spending my free time doing quality stuff (like going for coffee!!xoxoox or watching a good old movie) – he can stare at trash tv for hours (days….years)
but my dear hope you know that better than me if the guy is a good guy, a great guy even, you wont care about the spelling!! (you can teach a man how to spell…but you cant him how not to be a jerk….)
pin // June 28, 2008 at 4:32 pm
oh and by the way…i am now convinced (post after post) that therapy has started paying off…..
quickly quickly quickly!!!! (oh queen i can just imagine him girl!!!xaxaxaxaxaxaxa)
Froggy // June 28, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Sorry, a little confused… is this Real making the spelling mistakes? Or your ex?
At any rate, I think yes, chemistry can definitely blind us to a basic incompatibility–I’ve definitely dated plenty of guys with whom I could never have had lasting relationship, but had such stellar chemistry that I just ignored all of the incompatibilities…
And personally I don’t think the spelling thing is nit-picking, because I too would be hard-pressed to take a man seriously (romantically or otherwise) who doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re. Perhaps that makes me a snob, but that’s one prejudice I can’t let go of. I want to date a man who is my equal, and if someone is over 25 and still hasn’t mastered elementary grammar, I can’t help but feel superior.
A Lil' Irish Lass // June 30, 2008 at 5:55 pm
My ex didn’t know that there were three different ways to say “there” (ie. there, they’re, their). I put up with this bullshit for a year and a half, making excuses all the way. “What difference does it make if he can’t spell? Why are you such a snob? Just because you graduated with a degree in English and Comparative Literature from an Ivy League university doesn’t mean that his lack of command over the language is a deal-breaker.”
In retrospect, maybe that wasn’t the deal-breaker. But it sure didn’t help.
Queen // July 1, 2008 at 8:44 am
it really is hilarious pin, the first time he did it i thought he was actually mocking me, but then i realised he was actually saying for me to cross the road quickly.
you should hear him with other things, every day a new one comes out, and only when he says it, do i realise that i use it all the time :)
Michelle & the City // July 1, 2008 at 5:53 pm
the whole spelling/grammar thing kills me too. the worst? your vs. you’re. i almost cancelled a date once because i was afraid he honestly didn’t know the difference. sigh.
amy // July 10, 2008 at 8:41 am
wouldn’t it be the best if you and mr.anyone could be aggravated by, and have inside jokes about, and laugh your head off when, and have dinner conversations including people that just can’t spell. that would be the best.