Earlier this week, I couldn’t sleep. My thoughts kept returning to all those men that pass swiftly through my life as if they are on their way to something much more important than me. On the highway of love, sometimes I feel like I am the toll gate.
Just some prefabricated box, placed in some arbitrary position. Never the destination. I have never heard of somebody waking up one morning and saying, “Hey? You know where we haven’t been for a while. A Toll Gate! We should head out there. Maybe, have a picnic. Make a day of it.”
I am guessing you haven’t either.
Sometimes these men have been on their way to another woman or a different country or following career opportunities or whatnot. Most of the time, though, they have no idea where they are going. All they know is that they do not want to stop at me.
Instead of lying in bed, staring at my ceiling and thinking about this for any longer, I grabbed my laptop and allowed myself to get lost in blog after blog after blog. At around 2 a.m. I read a post written by a male blogger.
This blogger had written about the countless of blogs he reads by women and that they had taught him that MEN ARE PIGS. Women bloggers, he wrote, often write in excruciating detail about all the men that have wronged them. This made him feel a certain level of embarrassment for his gender. That he was ashamed, almost, to be a man.
I was about to leave a comment when my Wireless dropped AND Firefox just went wacky. By the time I was back in, I had lost the page I was on and couldn’t retrace my steps to find him again. (I do not remember who or where or how so if it rings a bell to anyone out there, please let me know).
But, what I wanted to say was that ‘NO, you are not pigs. Well, not all of you anyway. You should not be ashamed. Or embarrassed. Or feel bad in anyway. Because women? We’re not so innocent ourselves.”
Seriously.
I have given plenty a man a fake number. And not just the sleazy ones.
I have pretended to be out of the country to get out of a coffee date.
I once lied to an ex-boyfriend that I was in class because I didn’t want to see him. In fact, I was sitting on a friend’s couch gossiping away. (And yes. This is when I realized that I was really not into him. We broke up two months later.)
I have rolled my eyes at men.
I have turned my back to them when they have tried to talk to me.
I have flirted shamelessly with men, not because I particularly liked them, but just because they were there.
Granted, I have never slept with a man and not called him the next day. But I have done the female version of this. I have implied that a physical relationship could be, you know, an option and then have wandered away. Never to return. Feigning amnesia.
My point is–I think–that I can feel like a toll gate once in awhile. But, at the same, I am also a driver in my own car. I have gone through people, payed the price and then sped off. My point is–I think–that I am not some innocent bystander. I am playing at my own risk. Sometimes I’ll win and sometimes I’ll lose.
And sometimes I’ll be a bitch to a man who may or may not deserve it.
So ladies what have you done to men that has been, you know, not so innocent?
21 responses so far ↓
Queen // May 16, 2008 at 5:34 pm
iv done the opposite. i have made someone believe i was in the same city as them when in reality i had left that morning to another city to see my friends. i just knew the hours he was working which helped in choosing those hours to meet up when he couldnt due to work. and when he offered to meet up when he was off work, i had told him that i was busy with my own job and so couldnt meet up with him ( i simply dont remember why i didnt tell him i was away )
Ashley // May 16, 2008 at 5:53 pm
you hit the nail on the head - its not a gender thing, its a human thing. sometimes PEOPLE are assholes - callous, insensitive, neurotic, sneaky. we are all guilty of it at one point or another.
thehappymisfit // May 16, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Promised that I would always be there for him, one way or another, even though I knew I wouldnt hold myself to it. I agree with you and Ashley. We’re all assholes sometimes.
Princess Pointful // May 16, 2008 at 7:42 pm
It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but it is true, isn’t it?
I lied to my ex about being in a new relationship for a very long time.
DG // May 17, 2008 at 1:00 am
What a true, true post. Well, I have cheated on a bf before. There, I said it.
Chris // May 17, 2008 at 1:06 am
I’m positively shocked! I’ll never trust a woman again :P
pin // May 17, 2008 at 2:21 am
nomatter what ive done you know what i always feel bad about? about the ones that tried to talk to me (or my friends for that matter) and we have ignored, played jokes and then laughed at them…those poor guys that just try to find a decent (i am only referring to the decent ones) pick-up line and buy you a drink and start up a conversation and you just cut them off….!those are the ones that i feel awful about…as i grow older, i just act politely (i think )!!!
queen: seriously, why???hahahaha
distracted spunk // May 17, 2008 at 4:20 am
I…actually am pretty decent. I’ve turned down a few dates, yes, by using the excuse I was busy. It was legitimate. I’ve given a fake number out once. But in general? I’ve been pretty good.
Though I am a bit of a cock tease.
Also. The first half of your thing, the gate keeper piece? It resonated deeply, because I had felt like that for so long. But I think I’ve become a destination point now.
Trigger // May 17, 2008 at 4:38 am
I’m in general, very nice to boys.
But I did - as a 16 year old - kind of sort of ditch a guy who I was supposed to go on a date with. He didn’t like me too much after that. And I felt awful, for years and years, until now - every once in a while, we chat on the phone and catch up and it’s nice. And he’s one of three people from my high school (besides my siblings) that I still talk to…
Queen // May 17, 2008 at 8:42 am
he was celebrating something, i dont remember what, and i so didnt want to go. or was it that he wanted me to go to a family event of his? the point is he had told me about it a very long time before, and i still went ahead and organised to leave that weekend. i guess i didnt want him to think that i didnt care much about attending, never mind having left the freaking city. what can i do, a womans got to do what a womans gotta do :)
Froggy // May 17, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I used to have a crush on a guy-friend who fell off the radar for awhile. When he resurfaced he was clearly into me and I tried like hell to be into him too–because he was definitely a good guy–but whenever we hung out I found some reason to not be… Bad teeth, too old, etc. Eventually I made out with him in my kitchen and then blew him off every time he tried to make plans afterwards.
Yeah, sometimes I am not so nice…
Essentially Me // May 18, 2008 at 2:47 am
I’ve made up many a boyfriend to get out of the clutches of some men!
thenextfish // May 18, 2008 at 7:17 am
I’ve definitely used excuses to get out of a date “I’m busy”, “I’ve got a boyfriend.” The worst thing I’ve done (more than once even) is turn to a friend when I’ve got lonely knowing deep down that I’m not really interested in him. And of course he gets his hopes up thinking there’s a chance of a relationship or sex when there simply isn’t.
cynthia // May 18, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Been reading your blog recently, which then made me turn to your archives, hehh. I don’t need to tell you what a great writer you are, you get that in every post :) just want to let you know i mentioned you in my blog, is all, i hope thats okay. I’ll be back for more posts from you, keep writing ;)
milia // May 19, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Maybe a good practice for not letting people down, is to promice nothing that you can’t do.
For my self, there are no excuses for the mistakes I’ve made and the people(women) I’ve hurt. But hey, that’s life. You hurt and get hurt till you get the idea of what(tf) you really are looking for.
Till then, keep looking…and good luck.
And as I say to friends having difficult time,
καλό κουράγιο…
amber // May 19, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I love how you talked about a toll booth. As for my sins re: the opposite sex, the worst thing I’ve ever done was date a guy for a few months, not really caring about him one way or the other. But he was deeply religious (so he claimed) and consistently accused me of being provocative or intentionally leading him on (he was a virgin).
He said he wanted to wait until marriage, then came onto me every chance he got. By the end, I felt as if I cared more about his morality than he did, although he was constantly throwing it in my face. SO, being evil and vindictive, I slept with him. And dumped him.
I’m still a little ashamed of myself. TOP THAT, evildoers.
aicha // May 20, 2008 at 12:36 am
let me preface this shameful tale: i live in barçelona. i told a guy i was going to madrid for the weekend so that i could spend here in bcn looking for new guys instead of hanging with him. of course, i was supposed to madrid to visit another guy, who’d been all but begging me for the entire month leading up to that weekend, and i backed out at the last minute. i didn’t see any sense in starting a relationship with a man with no obvious ambitions in life. so i stayed in bcn . . . to meet new guys . . . just evil
Lydia // May 20, 2008 at 1:21 am
More than a year ago, I broke up with my ex, putting all blame on him.
But the truth was, I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t feel anything for him anymore. I’ve never felt worse.
A year after that, he sent me the most beautiful bouquet of red roses on my birthday and told me that he was still waiting for me. This time around, I told him the truth, and it released me.
And then I met the most amazing guy.
Miss A // May 20, 2008 at 6:31 am
oooh, i like this post.
The worst I’ve done is told someone I’d call them and never called. Not really that shocking.
Michelle & the City // May 20, 2008 at 9:27 pm
i’ve definitely used them to boost my own self confidence in times of heartbreak. involving: flirting, kissing, etc. when i know nothing will ever come of it. can’t WE be the ones to take advantage once in awhile?
Rose // June 5, 2008 at 8:16 pm
I’m surprised no one’s mentioned cheating. =)
Hope - Do you know the song “Bless the Broken Road” by Rascall Flatts? Google it. Sometimes it’s the journey, not the destination that makes it all worth while. He’s out there, I just know it.
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
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