1. Begin by almost allowing yourself to fall in love with an emotionally (and physically) unavailable man. Move passed that by…
2. Latching onto another–literally–unavailable man (Pick your poison in either thought, word or deed. I picked thought and had some remarkably pathetic ones. Eg. “If he has already been unfaithful to his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to do that with me? Then I must be a really unattractive, un-everything type of woman.”)
3. Receive comment on blog “Maybe you should take dating hiatus”. Reply: “You don’t know me. Shutup.” (No, I didn’t say that. I’m a lady even in a personal crisis.)
4. Ignore the early warning signs that is Denial and Defensive Behaviour. Run into Literally Unavailable Man. Remind him–gently, of course–that he has your number. He still does not call.
5. Feel like total loser.
6. Gchat with Peter about infidelity. Peter will say something like, “I have way too much respect for relationships.” Peter is annoyingly wise.
7. Receive email from Best Friend. One line will cut your already jagged breath into one thousand pieces. “You keep temporarily having pick me ups–through friends, or someone flattering you etc–and that’s wrong. You need a genuine, permanent pick me up. And that can only come from you.” Best Friend is annoyingly wise too.
8. Discover the song ‘Slow Me Down’ through Barbie’s post. Watch video ten times. Begin to cry at exactly 0:38 because you realize that all this time the words ‘Save me’ are the words to the beats of your own heart. You think that those are also the only words you would never actually say out loud because come on? That’s a little melodramatic. It’s not like you’ve been kidnapped by pirates now, is it?
9. Listen to song over twenty times. Continue crying because you realize that this ‘Save me’ that your heart is tapping out into your chest is not for some other person to hear. No mother, no friend or lover, no brother or sister, or therapist. No, all this time your heart has been beating, pumping just for you. So, you listen.
10. Lie in bed. Alternate between cry and sleep for ten hours.
11. Decide that boys are stupid and it would probably be a good idea to stop thinking about them for awhile.
12. Crap. Come to the realization that boys have just been the distraction, distracting you from the fact that your life is crap. Crappity crap.
13. Lie in bed. Alternate between cry and sleep for ten hours.
14. Feel a bit better. Also known as the Famous Last Words Step because…
15. PANIC ATTACK AT THE HAIR SALON! (No this is not some new and upcoming pop indie band. This is an actual, panic attack at the hair salon where one flees with black robe fluttering in the wind and strips of silver foil still in hair in an almost crazy, Harry Potter homage.
16. Drive home with one thought on repeat. “I am weak and pathetic and my life is a sham.”
17. Breakdown. Alone.
18. Then, in front of mother.
19. Make mother cry.
20. Congratulations! You have officially hit rock bottom.
36 responses so far ↓
itelli // May 7, 2008 at 1:22 pm
So… U wanna compete?
thenextfish // May 7, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Boys are stupid. But it will get better. I promise. Loneliness can’t ache any more than this.
La // May 7, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I have listened to that song approximately eleventy hundred times since I saw it at Barbie’s place. And it will always remind me of my first plane ride to Virginia, forever and ever.
Heart you!
Peter // May 7, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Awwww. Sucky.
Althooooough…
You could tell us more about this Peter fellow. He sounds delightful.
Lpeg // May 7, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Oh, Hope. You are not alone. I have hit rock bottom, sadly, more than once this year.
And made my mother cry too.
I hope things start to pick up for you.
Stephanie // May 7, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Dear Hope,
Maybe you could come to New York? And have a glass of wine? And go shopping? And then go back to Greece and start anew?
Love,
Steph
Valerie // May 7, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I’ve hit bottom more than once for the past three years. And, now that the panic attacks are finally gone, I find that I can’t cry anymore and that scares me. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes I miss those moments of of true sadness and anxiety, because that was when I felt truly alive and sometimes I feel lucky that I was able to feel emotions so intensely, more than others around me. But on the bright side, things do get better. Hopefully, one day you can appreciate what you are feeling now, because these moments are when you learn the most about yourself.
Hollywood // May 7, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Rock bottom is nice solid ground.
A stable place to stand.
chasingparadise // May 7, 2008 at 5:11 pm
You know what they say…the great thing about being at rock bottom is that the only place you have left to go is UP. Rise above it all, Hope. I’m seriously pulling for you. I have a feeling we all are!
Froggy // May 7, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I’m with Stephanie–come to New York and play with us! I am unemployed and out of school for the next 2 months. Sure, this means I’m broke, but I’ll have plenty of time to show you around :)
All I can really say is, I know this sucks–but you will get through it. We all know what it is to be lonely, but loneliness can’t kill you… even when you wish it could. I’m gonna go ahead and quote Gandhi here and say “Be the change you want to see…” Take a long, perhaps painful, look inside and figure out what *you* need to do to make *you* better… You can get through this. Yes, YOU.
**hugs**
Deutlich // May 7, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Parts of that read like it was coming from my own life.
Seeeriously.
Either way, your bestie is right. Time to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps.
Oh, and those unavailable men? They suck. Leave ‘em in the past. You’ll find someone in the future who is AWESOME.
I say this because I’m wise. I know these things.
I do.
{also - I must continue to tell myself this otherwise I’d still be a heap of a mess thanks to the shittiness that is Brian}
Jenn // May 7, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I love this post even though the message is sad. E-hugs :)
freckledk // May 7, 2008 at 6:52 pm
If I were there right now, I would totally smack you across the kisser, telling you to “Snap out of it.”
You are so much more than your relationship graveyard. We all can see it, and it’s high time that you opened your eyes to accept your true awesome-ness.
And rock bottom is the best place from which to elevate. Chin up, chest out, Hope. We are nothing if not resilient. All of us. Rally, goddam**t. The alternative is far less pleasant. If you need a good pout prior, take it and relish it. But do so with a time limit, okay?
Hugs to you. You’ll be okay. You have no choice, but to be.
*kb* // May 7, 2008 at 6:56 pm
I know this post and I know it well. :-/ Now excuse me while I go listen to BB’s song which she posted!
tiff // May 7, 2008 at 7:03 pm
I wanted to say something insightful, but those pretty colorful boxes next to everyone’s name are distracting.
XOXO.
Each // May 7, 2008 at 7:44 pm
at least you can’t fall any further.
only way out is up.
(and yea? or no? I gave that CD to barbie, with that song…)
(want for me to make you one? I will! email me eachofthetwo@gmail.com)
distracted spunk // May 7, 2008 at 8:03 pm
*waves* It could be worse. You could hit rock bottom while hooking up with someone, which is what I did. Don’t do that one.
Anyhow. I’m with Froggy and Stephanie. Wait till June, I’ll be back on the East Coast!
Also. It can be so hard to know that there are things that need to be done and just not feel strong enough to do those things anymore. If you ever need me, just hit me up on gchat. I think we have more in common than we know.
PhoenixHearse // May 7, 2008 at 9:17 pm
I’ve been there. And the absolute worst part is hearing things like, “It’ll get better,” and “It could be worse.”
You realize that these are people who care about you, but it feels as though they’re trivializing things. So I won’t say either of those. I’ll just say I understand and I sympathize.
My rock bottom involved a lot of rum, anti-depressants, and having my friend hide my guns.
Lily // May 7, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Did you see Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Paul Rudd’s character says, “When life gives you lemons. Say fuck the lemons.”
You haven’t hit rock bottom. You have a mother willing to cry with you; friends offering words of wisdom; your blog to get it all out through; and your ability to see that things are crap and that it is time for change.
Jess // May 8, 2008 at 12:29 am
I think a full East Coast tour is in order as a pick-me-up. Also, you have great friends and great family and people who care about you all over the world. If that’s your rock bottom, it’s a great place to start.
Michelle & the City // May 8, 2008 at 1:38 am
well the one positive thing to say is that the only place to go is up. i’ve been there. had a break down in front of my mother. several times. it’ll get better hope.
xo
bloggingbarbie // May 8, 2008 at 1:53 am
oh baby. i’m right there too. pull up a chair and grab a bottle of wine…but we will get through this. we are too strong, smart and beautiful individuals to not.
and i love you.
xo.
Essentially Me // May 8, 2008 at 5:28 am
Ah rock bottom. How I know thee well. Just keep climbing .. don’t stop.
Angel // May 8, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Congratulations!!
I think that hitting rock bottom was the best thing that could have happened to you because now and only now will you start making the right changes and moving forward and slowly with time you will start feeling good again…
Without hitting rock bottom we don’t know what to do or how to change our horrible situation.
Sil // May 8, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I heart you Hope and I couldn’t say it better than the above comments. Chin up!! rooting for you here babe
Spring // May 8, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Oh, lovely. Maybe my rock bottom story will make you feel better about yours. I don’t have enough balls to post it on my blog (mostly because actually being honest about my life with everyone in it would make me hit lower than rock bottom), but if you’re, you know, interested in hearing a perfect stranger’s story, shoot me an e-mail. It might help. Promise.
Spring // May 8, 2008 at 5:30 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsO6_9pclx4
Another song for you. “Armchairs” by Andrew Bird.
In time you need to learn to love
The ebb just like the flow
Ashley // May 8, 2008 at 5:31 pm
you know what they say about rock bottom - nowhere to go but up. i know in the throws of it, it is hard to see, but it is going to get better. everything that happens forces us to grow and usually the most painful episodes are the best lessons.
that’s all my dime store wisdom for today. :) feel better
Trigger // May 8, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Oh man. I’m really sorry you’re feeling so low.
I have a tremendous amount of faith in you, though - I know you’re going to work hard to find something that makes you feel happier.
Good luck!
Tilly // May 8, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you. And for sure sure sure that you will get through this. Promise.
Jamie // May 8, 2008 at 11:15 pm
You can only go up from here, Hope. I know the feeling.
brookem // May 9, 2008 at 1:04 am
Hi there my friend. I wish I had some eloquent words of wisdom to share with you here. Just know that I am sending you many virtual hugs and positive thoughts for some really good, brighter days ahead. You have so much going for you, keep reminding yourself of that.
xx
freckledk // May 9, 2008 at 3:41 am
See? Look how loved you are. Rock bottom is sounding better and better all the time, no?
bollybutton // May 10, 2008 at 1:18 pm
The only way is up from here, baby! If it’s any consolation, sometimes even within the context of a good relationship you feel lost, hopeless, worthless and terrified. I think it’s a girl thing. I’ve been tearful for a week because of that old piece of wisdom - men fear that their woman will change and women fear that their man will never change.
Come out on Tuesday bubba, it’ll make you feel better .xxx
jennnifer ramos // May 12, 2008 at 10:07 am
Thins should be looking up soooon, they have been better for me.
Jen Ramos
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CB // May 14, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Oh, right there with you. Boys are STUPEED!
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