1. Begin by almost allowing yourself to fall in love with an emotionally (and physically) unavailable man. Move passed that by…
2. Latching onto another–literally–unavailable man (Pick your poison in either thought, word or deed. I picked thought and had some remarkably pathetic ones. Eg. “If he has already been unfaithful to his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to do that with me? Then I must be a really unattractive, un-everything type of woman.”)
3. Receive comment on blog “Maybe you should take dating hiatus”. Reply: “You don’t know me. Shutup.” (No, I didn’t say that. I’m a lady even in a personal crisis.)
4. Ignore the early warning signs that is Denial and Defensive Behaviour. Run into Literally Unavailable Man. Remind him–gently, of course–that he has your number. He still does not call.
5. Feel like total loser.
6. Gchat with Peter about infidelity. Peter will say something like, “I have way too much respect for relationships.” Peter is annoyingly wise.
7. Receive email from Best Friend. One line will cut your already jagged breath into one thousand pieces. “You keep temporarily having pick me ups–through friends, or someone flattering you etc–and that’s wrong. You need a genuine, permanent pick me up. And that can only come from you.” Best Friend is annoyingly wise too.
8. Discover the song ‘Slow Me Down’ through Barbie’s post. Watch video ten times. Begin to cry at exactly 0:38 because you realize that all this time the words ‘Save me’ are the words to the beats of your own heart. You think that those are also the only words you would never actually say out loud because come on? That’s a little melodramatic. It’s not like you’ve been kidnapped by pirates now, is it?
9. Listen to song over twenty times. Continue crying because you realize that this ‘Save me’ that your heart is tapping out into your chest is not for some other person to hear. No mother, no friend or lover, no brother or sister, or therapist. No, all this time your heart has been beating, pumping just for you. So, you listen.
10. Lie in bed. Alternate between cry and sleep for ten hours.
11. Decide that boys are stupid and it would probably be a good idea to stop thinking about them for awhile.
12. Crap. Come to the realization that boys have just been the distraction, distracting you from the fact that your life is crap. Crappity crap.
13. Lie in bed. Alternate between cry and sleep for ten hours.
14. Feel a bit better. Also known as the Famous Last Words Step because…
15. PANIC ATTACK AT THE HAIR SALON! (No this is not some new and upcoming pop indie band. This is an actual, panic attack at the hair salon where one flees with black robe fluttering in the wind and strips of silver foil still in hair in an almost crazy, Harry Potter homage.
16. Drive home with one thought on repeat. “I am weak and pathetic and my life is a sham.”
17. Breakdown. Alone.
18. Then, in front of mother.
19. Make mother cry.
20. Congratulations! You have officially hit rock bottom.
